i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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