Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
