We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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