I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
