Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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