Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
