he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
