Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You ate ashes out of my bong
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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