so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
