I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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