I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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