Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
And then my night got REAL pukey
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