A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
