Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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