I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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