last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
