He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
