At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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