My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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