Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
literally had 100 drinks last night.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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