I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I want her autograph on my taint
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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