So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
