So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
