The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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