Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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