I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize