I met the friendliest cop last night
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
only you would photoshop your dick
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize