Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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