these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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