im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize