***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
