Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
