Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
