ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
