I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
