Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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