i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
