All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
