Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
