sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
