how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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