Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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