Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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