Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
