why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
