I accidentally had phone sex last night
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
