i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Dicks are not precious.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
