He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
