She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
