I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
