I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
