Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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