quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
