Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
