did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
