id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
