alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
