I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize