that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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