Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
