she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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