I want to make a zoo with you.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
