If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
