His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Did I show you my penis last night?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
